How do I know I can come and give to you, love with no warning and find you alone...

This weekend was interesting, definitely fun, but I kept thinking about a number of things that lately, have just left me so disappointed.

It's hard sometimes. You think you know people. You think that you really know someone pretty well and I semi-subconsciously setup expectations for them. Everything is awesome for a while, they are the people you see them as, and then, you come to find out who they really are. They break all the expectations you had for them and the person you thought you knew, is no longer there. It's someone strange you're not accustomed to, someone you do not like. There are brief moments when the person you thought they were is there, but they are brief and only brief. You try your best to hold on, in hopes that the person you thought they were may return, only to face disappointment. In your head, you know it's best to let go of them, but in your heart, you just want that person back. When faced with this dilemma, what do you do? I haven't been able to figure it out. This is the third time this has happened (with a drastic change in who the person is). The first two times left me broken hearted, the third time has just left me disgusted. I'm still holding on, but only because it's all I know how to do. I hope something changes, or that they change.

Anyway.

I think it's a little bit humorous, I tried to convince myself that it would go away. I tried to convince myself that I didn't feel that way anymore. Who was I kidding? I don't even know why I did it. I don't think it was for myself. No, it wasn't, it was so that she would leave me alone. I'm sure she has constant worry for someone else's sake. I've talked to him about things concerning her, nothing is going to happen. I'm pretty sure of it. He's impossible, but I feel like I'm the one that has to break him. We'll see what happens.

Now I know, that you never listened, listen...

I can't believe how much worse I've gotten. In all my years of high school, I've become more and more of a procrastinator and cared less and less about it. I'm accepted to my college of choice and my GPA is above a 3.0, can I just end school here? I'm ready to go to college. I'm ready to pack up all my things and start fresh. I'm ready to move in with someone I hardly know. I'm ready to make good choices and bad choices. I'm ready to start working towards what I want to do in life. I'm ready to move on from high school.

Rant over.

I've decided, despite my falling out with music, I'm going to cling on to it with all that I am. Nothing will ever tear me away from my one and only true love. I've been playing more and more and listening less and less. I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing, I just think that I've listened so much and been so inspired, that life has decided that it's my turn to inspire someone with my music. I've also decided, the first thing I'm going to buy with my graduation money, is a guitar. I've been playing so much lately and I think I'm actually getting better day by day.

I think I need to touch base with my roots, go back to the beginning and start over. Listen to The Strokes for days on end and see where it leads me. The songs I've been in love with lately, that used to inspire such a passion within me, seem to have lost that affect. I want it back. I NEED it back. I think I will know, if The Strokes have lost their ability to stir every piece of me, from my head to my toes and into the very core of me, that I've lost something, something I don't think I will ever get back. I hope that's not the case. Please Julian Casablancas, work your magic on me.

'Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody
I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody
Don't worry about it, honey
I never needed anybody
I never needed anybody, it won't change now.

Am I wrong?
Don't sing along with me.
I said I was fine,
It's just the second time
We lost the war'
-Between Love & Hate
The Strokes