Leaves become most beautiful, when they're about to die, when they're about to fall from trees, when they're about to dry up...

I'M SEEING REGINA IN TWO DAAAAAAAAAAAAYS!!! You have no idea how completely stoked I am. This weekend is going to be so awesome, I get to see be with my friends whom I rarely see, stupid college tearing us apart, I get to go home and see my puppy and my mom both of whom I miss. GAH! I'm too excited to talk about it all.

On another equally as happy note, I'm so happy. I absolutely adore her in every way and I can't wait until summer.

The times we had, oh, when the wind would blow with rain and snow, we're not all bad, we put our feet just where they had, had to go...

College is and isn't what I expected. It's so much better than high school in almost every way. The only thing that isn't so great is that, after almost 3 months, I barely have friends. I don't know what my problem is... I'm just not connecting with anyone. I have some people here and there that are really awesome, but there's no one that really stands out. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. It's never been too terribly hard for me to make friends, but it seems that it is here. I am so happy with MSU though. I love everything about it... Some really good friends would just make things perfect.

I love her. So so so so much. She's amazing.

I'm really into Beirut lately. I love it. I want a ukulele now. Get me one? Kthnx. :D

ROAD TRIP TO NEW YORK THIS SUMMER! THIS MUST HAPPEN!!!!

Sorry. I know that was random, but I just needed to get all that out... Not that anyone reads this anyway. Ha.

I read the body count out of the paper, and now it's written all over my face...

Of course it was going to happen. I feel stupid for even feeling this bad over it. It's not like I can really help it though and neither can they. I just have to learn to suck it up. I'm just so tired of that. I always suck it up and move on. I'm tired of my emotions being completely unimportant to anyone else. What has my life become? I keep submersing myself into my own head and I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. I just want to keep everything to myself lately. I'm just sick of people burdening me with problems, which are never all that bad, I'm being pretty selfish and exaggerating right now, but it is, just what it is and I've accepted dealing with that. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I don't want to burden other people with my shitty life. I'm sure there will be moments with my closest of friends, but beyond that, don't count on it.

I realize, in reality pretty much no one reads this, but I'm not really talking to anyone. This is merely for myself. Things are changing. I've grown up and continue to do so and I've noticed. People around me are doing the same and all I have to say, is that growing up is a really good thing. The best part about growing up is learning things about yourself and becoming who you really are. There's no point in pretending to be anything what you're not. In the end, you can't lie to yourself, and why would you want to. I want to live life. I want to be happy. Embrace yourself. Embrace the world around you and submerse yourself in it. Do what you want. Be who you want, while being who you are.

I leave for college in 50 days. Less than two months. I'm more confident than I was before, but I'm still scared shitless. I know it will all be alright in the end. It has to be.

How do I know I can come and give to you, love with no warning and find you alone...

This weekend was interesting, definitely fun, but I kept thinking about a number of things that lately, have just left me so disappointed.

It's hard sometimes. You think you know people. You think that you really know someone pretty well and I semi-subconsciously setup expectations for them. Everything is awesome for a while, they are the people you see them as, and then, you come to find out who they really are. They break all the expectations you had for them and the person you thought you knew, is no longer there. It's someone strange you're not accustomed to, someone you do not like. There are brief moments when the person you thought they were is there, but they are brief and only brief. You try your best to hold on, in hopes that the person you thought they were may return, only to face disappointment. In your head, you know it's best to let go of them, but in your heart, you just want that person back. When faced with this dilemma, what do you do? I haven't been able to figure it out. This is the third time this has happened (with a drastic change in who the person is). The first two times left me broken hearted, the third time has just left me disgusted. I'm still holding on, but only because it's all I know how to do. I hope something changes, or that they change.

Anyway.

I think it's a little bit humorous, I tried to convince myself that it would go away. I tried to convince myself that I didn't feel that way anymore. Who was I kidding? I don't even know why I did it. I don't think it was for myself. No, it wasn't, it was so that she would leave me alone. I'm sure she has constant worry for someone else's sake. I've talked to him about things concerning her, nothing is going to happen. I'm pretty sure of it. He's impossible, but I feel like I'm the one that has to break him. We'll see what happens.

Now I know, that you never listened, listen...

I can't believe how much worse I've gotten. In all my years of high school, I've become more and more of a procrastinator and cared less and less about it. I'm accepted to my college of choice and my GPA is above a 3.0, can I just end school here? I'm ready to go to college. I'm ready to pack up all my things and start fresh. I'm ready to move in with someone I hardly know. I'm ready to make good choices and bad choices. I'm ready to start working towards what I want to do in life. I'm ready to move on from high school.

Rant over.

I've decided, despite my falling out with music, I'm going to cling on to it with all that I am. Nothing will ever tear me away from my one and only true love. I've been playing more and more and listening less and less. I don't think that it's necessarily a bad thing, I just think that I've listened so much and been so inspired, that life has decided that it's my turn to inspire someone with my music. I've also decided, the first thing I'm going to buy with my graduation money, is a guitar. I've been playing so much lately and I think I'm actually getting better day by day.

I think I need to touch base with my roots, go back to the beginning and start over. Listen to The Strokes for days on end and see where it leads me. The songs I've been in love with lately, that used to inspire such a passion within me, seem to have lost that affect. I want it back. I NEED it back. I think I will know, if The Strokes have lost their ability to stir every piece of me, from my head to my toes and into the very core of me, that I've lost something, something I don't think I will ever get back. I hope that's not the case. Please Julian Casablancas, work your magic on me.

'Never needed anybody, I never needed anybody
I never needed anybody, I never needed nobody
Don't worry about it, honey
I never needed anybody
I never needed anybody, it won't change now.

Am I wrong?
Don't sing along with me.
I said I was fine,
It's just the second time
We lost the war'
-Between Love & Hate
The Strokes

It's so many miles and so long since I've met you, don't even know what I'll find when I get to you...

Lately I feel like I've just been stuck. There's some enormous weight I can feel in my chest and on my back and I have no idea what it is. It seems like there's a void too, and I can't fill it with anything, not even music and that makes me so unbearably unhappy and depressed. I wish I knew what was happening, there's something wrong and I can't find the problem.

I feel like I'm drifting away from music and it's breaking my heart. I love music. More than anything else in the world. If there was anything in this world that I ever truly knew, it would be music. Nothing effects me more emotionally, psychologically and physically, nothing. And yet, all the songs I used to know so well and love so much, don't seem to be enough for me. How can this be? I don't understand. Everything I want, everything I am, is invested in music and now it's like I've turned my back on music and I don't know why.

Music; the sounds and the lyrics that used to make me so happy, have lost their affect. I'm so lost, I'm drowning, in a world that I used to know so well, in a world that was my own, that was created by me, myself and I. There must be something wrong.

Nothing makes me happy anymore. I feel like I'm just slipping away. I'm stuck in this emptiness and it's consuming me and no matter how hard I fight, it just won't let go.

The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers...

I've been thinking so much lately it's sort of ridiculous. I haven't really figured anything out, nor could I really tell you what I've been thinking about.

I'm starting to write a song. I wish I had a guitar. Not having one is going to make things pretty difficult but I shall persevere, ha. So far I have a 4 chord progression and I'm sure one of the million and a half lyrical babblings I've written will go along with it.

I like him so much. He's such an amazing guy, I can't get him out of my head.

Tried out for the musical today. Turns out I can sing? Yep.